Si Pedro – Popular Filipino Jokes

Popular Filipino Jokes

Dagohoy July 19, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — vhei @ 8:12 am

It was the first day of school in Washington, DC and a new student named Dagohoy, the son of a Filipino immigrant, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher began, “Let’s review some American history, Class. Who said ‘Give me liberty or give me death?'” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Dagohoy’s who had his hand up,”Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

“Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, and for the people, shall not perish from the earth'”?Again, no response except from Dagohoy: “Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg, 1863,” he said.

The teacher snaps at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed, Dagohoy who is new to our country knows more about our history than you do.”

She hears a loud whisper from the back: “Screw the Filipinos.” “Who said that?” she demanded.Dagohoy put his hand up. “General John Pershing, Manila, 1896.”

At that point, Jack, another student says, “I’m going to puke.” The teacher glares and asks, “All right! Now who said that?” Again Dagohoy answers, “George Bush, Sr. to the Japanese Prime Minister during the state dinner, Tokyo, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Fuck this!!” Dagohoy jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher at the top of his voice,”Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, the Oval Office, 1997!!”

Someone shouts, “You little shit if you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”

Dagohoy yells, “Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, Washington, D.C., 2001!”

The teacher faints. “I’m outta here!” mutters one student as he sidles to the door. “President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Baguio City, December 30,2002!!” Dagohoy responds.

As the class gathers around her on the floor, someone says, “Oh shit, now we’re really in big trouble!”
“Saddam Hussein, on the Iraq invasion, Baghdad, May 2003!” Dagohoy bellowed.

“Now, I really have to run,” Jack mutters, heading for the exit.
“Gloria Macapagal Arroyo again, Pampanga, October 4, 2003!!!” Dagohoy shouts triumphantly jumping with glee.

Then a burly African-American boy grabbed Dagohoy and strangled him, about to give a fistful to a frightened Dagohoy. Then an Asian boy stood up and shouted, “Hey easy on him. I’M A FILIPINO!”
Dagohoy then blurted out before he got socked out,
“Fernando Poe, Jr. Manila, January 2004!!!”

 

The Perfect Breasts

Filed under: Uncategorized — vhei @ 8:10 am

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with the world’s most perfect breasts. He says to her,
“Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars? “
“Are you nuts? !!” she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asks again.
“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?”
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.
“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?
“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”
 

SMART ANSWERS

Filed under: Uncategorized — vhei @ 8:09 am

SMART A**
ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.”Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. “What are my choices?” John asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.

SMART A**
ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”

SMART A**
ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Don’t these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

SMART A**
ANSWER #3
The cop got out o f his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART A**
ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it , the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out o f gas.”

SMART A**
ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

 

Miracles of a woman

Filed under: Uncategorized — vhei @ 8:07 am
4 miracles of a woman:

1. getting wet without taking a shower
2. bleeding without getting hurt
3. giving milk without eating grass
4. and making boneless flesh hard.

Posted by whea at 5:49 PM 0 comments
 

Dirty Joke 1

Filed under: Uncategorized — vhei @ 8:06 am

A man bumps into a woman and says “So sorry ma’am. If your heart is as soft as your breasts,you will forgive me.”

The lady replies: “If your dick is as hard as your elbow, am in room 603″

 

Dirty Joke 2

Filed under: Uncategorized — vhei @ 8:06 am

Q : How do the Talibans seduce their women?
A : First they attack their twin towers, then they crash into their pentagon.

Girls reaction to penis sizes:
# 9″ – oh shit pain!
# 7″ – oh yes, yum!
# 6″ – oh perfect!
# 5″ – mmm ok!
# 4″ – push more
# 3″ – is it in?
# 2″ – idiot! Just use your tongue.

Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A – Airport (flat)
B – Barely there
C – Can do
D – Damn good
E – Enormous
F – Fake

During pregnancy:
The 1st three month s, do it the normal style.
Next three months do it the doggy style
And the last three months do it the wolf style: outside the hole and howl.

 

Not-so-dirty jokes 2

Filed under: Uncategorized — vhei @ 7:55 am

Dirty Joke 3

Latest statistics on ‘what men do after SEX???
2% eat
3% smoke cigarettes
4% take a shower
5% go to sleep
86% get up and go back home to their wife
HOW TRUE!!!

What did Newton’s dick say to him after seeing a nude woman?
“Fuck you and your law of gravity, I’m going UP.”

Man was sobbing in a bar. His friend asked ‘why?’
He said: “my wife makes me pay $ 100/- for every Fuck!”
Friend said: “you’re lucky, she charges others $ 250/

Lady scolds her maid for inefficiency. Angry maid says, ” at least I am better than you in bed.” Lady (amazed): ?Did boss tell you this?”
Maid: “No, the driver did.”

 

 
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